Short and Sweet

Feeling depressed and scared.  Wondering if I'm making a big mistake by having this surgery.  It won't fix what is really wrong.  I'm not sure what would fix what is really wrong, if anything even can. All I know is whatever happens, I don't want to be in it alone, but....that is going to be the case.  Of course not that I blame anyone, I know for many reasons I don't appear to be a "catch" at the moment.  Sad thing is, there are hundreds of reasons I would be....but it's either hard for me to let them show and/or hard for others to see through some of the other stuff.

Yes, I know others have been through this and there are support group...but the closest support group to me, well last two times I went it was just me and the guy that leads the "group". I tried an online forum, but don't have a real desire to participate it seems.  I think some of that goes back to how I feel a about "social media" in general right now.  Anymore it just isn't and acceptable substitute for real human interaction.  But all that said......that really isn't what I'm talking about at the moment.

But it's ok, if you don't understand...I don't understand and for the most part not sure anyone will ever understand.  But that's ok too, it doesn't really matter, others have their own lives to live and deal with. I guess that may be why I've always tried to help others so much when I can, is because I am hoping it will some how be reciprocated somehow, by someone.  One counselor or something like that I've spoke to sometime in the past even suggested that a desire to help others is why I have done things as a Firefighter, EMT and similar services.  I guess that is true to some degree....you know it just kinda hit me.... I used to say one reason I joined the volunteer fire department here was because, "If my house caught on fire, I would want someone to come help put it out. So I should be willing to go help them put their's out."  I guess I maybe I was always looking for some sort of reciprocation.  Which honestly is NOT the reason to help people.  Well...."expecting" reciprocation is not a good reason and I never expected it.  Also when I say I've been looking for it, I don't mean literally tit-for-tat from the same person, but just in general.  I've said it's kinda like putting things in a "karma bank".  Guess I figure if I keep putting enough "good deeds" in, some day I can get some back.  Well...as of now I don't feel like I've got much back to be honest.  But it's just how I feel, just being selfish I guess.

Ok, the first paragraph was the "Short and Sweet" part the rest was just a rant that came over me. It happens.

Anyway.................................................