Long overdue update.

Well as some of  you may remember, I had weight loss surgery (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) back on February 10th.  I posted one blog after the surgery and have been absent since.  Funny thing is as I was doing research online before my surgery, I found many others hadn't posted updates for several weeks after their surgery.  I guess getting into a new routine just keeps you fairly busy.  Learning new things and so on.  So I will try to give a bit of an update over that last 2+ months.

There were times in the first couple of weeks after my surgery I thought I had made the worst mistake of my life!! I was still on a liquid diet and was feeling like I would never "eat" again.  I knew this wasn't true, but it sure felt that way.  Some of the problem was when I would get down before I would eat....well now I was getting down and couldn't do the thing that used to make me feel better....so that just got me down even more. Long story short....I finally got passed all of that.  Now I am eating "normal" foods, but I am eating almost the same thing everyday.  Right now I am supposed to try and stay below 500 calories for the day and still get 60-80 grams of protein.  This sort of limits the menu as not too many foods are high in protein and low in calories.  I have been eating a lot of eggs, tuna and chicken.  Occasionally I will substitute a protein shake for a meal.  I have just got some new shakes that have more flavors and even more protein, probably will have one for lunch tomorrow and see how it goes.

When I first got home I was just walking around the house, about 10 minutes at time, 3 times a day. Eventually I started walking outside and down the road a bit. I have tried to add a bit more every so often and now I am up to about 3.5 miles a day (5-6 days a week) in about an hour or so.  I also started the strength training a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize how weak my muscles have got over the years.  I am using pretty light weights (per their instructions) and doing several reps. This is not really about building muscle so it seems to be doing the job.

Ok......Now for the numbers.....lol  Back on 12/11/13 I weighed the most I ever have, 390 lbs.  That was sort of my ah-ha moment I guess.  When I went to the Surgeons on 01/20/14 I was 385 lbs.  The day of teh surgery (02/10/14) I was 373 pounds. So I had lost some on my own even before the surgery.  As of yesterday I weighed 305 lbs. So that is a total of 85 lbs so far, not too bad I figure.  I have had kind of short term goals.  My current was to be below 300 before I go to the doctor again on 5/15/14, that's looking like a real possibility.  My next is 275 as that is what I was when I first went to work at the fire dept.

I will try to post here a bit more often.  Be well and take care!!!

The new norm?.....

Well here we are, post-op finally.  Feeling pretty fair today. But let me try to catch you up over the last few days....  Sunday night (night before surgery) Dr. Houston called and told me that there was a case that came in over the weekend that he would have to take before me in the morning.  Said not to worry about getting to the hospital before 9:30 or 10:00  Well that actually helped a little bit in the sense of everyone not having to get up so early and head out around 4:00 as originally planned.  We still left about 7:30 or so and got there around 9:00ish  Apparently the change wasn't passed on to everyone, because someone from the hospital called as were about 30 minutes out and wanted to make sure I was still coming.  Well his case in the morning took longer than planed so I didn't go back to the staging area till about 1:30 They did all there stuff, then next thing I remember is the recovery area LOL.  My mother and daughter were waiting for me in my room when they got me there.  Most of that evening I really didn't feel too good.  Either had pain, nausea, just generally weak or all and/or something else.  My daughter went home that night, buy my mother stayed with me the whole time and I can't thank her enough.  Actually by latter than night (10:00pm) I was feeling pretty good.  Nurses got me up and walking about 10:30pm and I walked the length of the hallway twice with no problems.

On Day 2 (Tuesday) this was overall a really bad day... I think all day I only got 2 cups of fluid down and that was the last being over-night and sipping on when waking up and didn't finish till Wed morning.  At one time mom was going to go back home this day, but I asked her if she would stay and she did. Although the thing she had to sleep on wasn't comfortable for her at all.  I walked in the room several times Tuesday and felt good to sit up out of bed at times.

Day 3 (Wednesday) however woke up feeling pretty good.  Finished all the liquid on my breakfast tray, of course took most of the morning lol.  Didn't really have any pain.  Dr Houston wasn't able to make his rounds till about 1:30pm but overall that is good.  Cause had he come early in the morning and had to base whether to discharge me or not based on how I did Tuesday, I'd probably had to stay one more day.  But guess since I had done so well that morning he did let me go home.  Of course had already decided even if I didn't get to go home, my mother was going need to, I'm just glad it worked out the way it did.  The ride home did take a bit more out of me than I thought it would though.  Ended up having to take one of the pain pills he prescribed me.  Also I tried some of the protein supplement and it didn't set very well on my stomach, so I went back to just plain water.  Dr Houston said this is normal and not to worry about it.  Also said that even though eventually need to get to at least 64oz of water per day and 60-80grams of protien these first few days 50oz of water and 40grams of protein ok.  Also that water is more important than protein at the moment.

This morning (Thursday) woke up feeling pretty good.  Tried a cup of plain water first and now working on the protein supplement from last night and seem to be doing ok with it.  Just weird taking up to an hour to get 8oz of liquid down lol  

Without going into great detail it seems like they still haven't figured out how to do my pay by using my banked sick-time from last year.  Apparently I am the first person to try and use it this way.  Also it is sound like they are trying to renege on some of the things they said when they did the big switch a couple of years ago.  Thankfully me and my Lieutenant already had a backup plan for this week if it didn't get figured out.  Hopefully it will get worked out before long though.

Have a good day...

Steve

Short and Sweet

Feeling depressed and scared.  Wondering if I'm making a big mistake by having this surgery.  It won't fix what is really wrong.  I'm not sure what would fix what is really wrong, if anything even can. All I know is whatever happens, I don't want to be in it alone, but....that is going to be the case.  Of course not that I blame anyone, I know for many reasons I don't appear to be a "catch" at the moment.  Sad thing is, there are hundreds of reasons I would be....but it's either hard for me to let them show and/or hard for others to see through some of the other stuff.

Yes, I know others have been through this and there are support group...but the closest support group to me, well last two times I went it was just me and the guy that leads the "group". I tried an online forum, but don't have a real desire to participate it seems.  I think some of that goes back to how I feel a about "social media" in general right now.  Anymore it just isn't and acceptable substitute for real human interaction.  But all that said......that really isn't what I'm talking about at the moment.

But it's ok, if you don't understand...I don't understand and for the most part not sure anyone will ever understand.  But that's ok too, it doesn't really matter, others have their own lives to live and deal with. I guess that may be why I've always tried to help others so much when I can, is because I am hoping it will some how be reciprocated somehow, by someone.  One counselor or something like that I've spoke to sometime in the past even suggested that a desire to help others is why I have done things as a Firefighter, EMT and similar services.  I guess that is true to some degree....you know it just kinda hit me.... I used to say one reason I joined the volunteer fire department here was because, "If my house caught on fire, I would want someone to come help put it out. So I should be willing to go help them put their's out."  I guess I maybe I was always looking for some sort of reciprocation.  Which honestly is NOT the reason to help people.  Well...."expecting" reciprocation is not a good reason and I never expected it.  Also when I say I've been looking for it, I don't mean literally tit-for-tat from the same person, but just in general.  I've said it's kinda like putting things in a "karma bank".  Guess I figure if I keep putting enough "good deeds" in, some day I can get some back.  Well...as of now I don't feel like I've got much back to be honest.  But it's just how I feel, just being selfish I guess.

Ok, the first paragraph was the "Short and Sweet" part the rest was just a rant that came over me. It happens.

Anyway.................................................

Busy, busy, busy last few days.

I worked Sunday and had to leave early Monday morning to go to Nashville for pre-op & pre-admission classes, test and paperwork (more below). Got home about 4:30 Monday afternoon and my daughter and grandson were here.  I added a few videos to the tablet he got for Christmas and did her taxes.  By that time it was getting late.  Got up Tuesday and headed to work, but instead of getting of at 3:00 Wednesday afternoon as normal, ended up having to stay till 11:00pm.  Which you may know gets me home about midnight.  Then up at 6:30 this morning to take son to school.  Just now starting to get caught up it feels like.  Trying to get some things in order before surgery on the 10th.

Ok, my day in Nashville Monday...if  you follow me on twitter @StephenFall or FourSquare you already know a bit about that day.  My appointment was at 8:30 and I ended up getting into Nashville about 7:30 so I killed just a little time at Centennial Park and went to the hospital (Centennial's Main Hosp) about 8:00.  Think I may have been the first to get to the registration desk.  Anyway...had my upper GI and got in and out of there fairly quick.  Didn't have to be at the Dr.'s office for a class till 11:00 so went by McDonald's at got a little something to eat.  This was actually the plan since couldn't have anything to eat before test at the hospital.  Took my biscuit back to Centennial Park and parked by the pond close to The Parthenon (See pic below) and just listened to music a bit.

 

At the Dr.'s office the class was about the surgery in general then the dietitian went over a few things and then a pharmacist spoke to us.  As always after I attend a class, meeting etc... I feel better about the surgery for a while, more informed, better prepared etc... but as always so far a bit later I start worrying too much again. I guess with more information it just gives me more to think about, which is not good for a person who thinks to much lol.  But I emailed the dietitian with a few follow up questions this morning and think again, for now lol, I have a decent grasp on at least Stage 1 and Stage 2 diets.  My mother, a retired RN, is helping me a bit too.  Since the first two stages will last for about a month after the surgery, I guess that should be good for now. 

After the class yesterday had to go across the street to the Women's and Children's Hospital, this is where the surgery will actually be done...ok...go ahead laugh....LOL don't ask me why they are there...anyway...just got some blood drawn and an EKG their, didn't take long. Then finally on my way back home.

Played around a bit with an app I had downloaded a few days ago and one the actually mentioned in the class, MyFitnessPal.  I think I have a little better understanding of how it works.  The biggest thing will be adding food for the first time.  You can look up foods that other's have added, but that isn't quite as easy as it may sound at first.  Anyway, since I will be eating a lot of the same stuff for a while, it won't be too bad after get started.  You can also scan the UPC on a package, haven't tried that  yet, but will soon.

Well, guess that is enough for now. Take care....

Steve 

Getting Closer

Well spent a lot of the time on the phone yesterday and Thursday answering pre-admission questions for my surgery on the 10th and for some pre-op test I'm having done Monday.  Also started a Short Term Disability (usually abbreviated STD, but that also stand for something else...lol) claim since I will be off work 3-6 weeks.  Also went to the bank Thursday to get the money to pay for the surgery and some other things I will need for after. So....guess I'm kinda on the downhill side. At least as far as having the surgery goes.  I know after the surgery will be the real challenge.  I just keep telling myself the rewards will be worth it.  Of course I am hoping for much more than just weight loss, of course better health and more energy, but also mean getting out more and just generally more happy.  Most everyone has told me (those that have had weight loss surgery and others) that things should happen, but I've never been one to anticipate the best....lol  That too is something that would be nice for a change.

I know I seem like a very negative person, but...and this hard to explain, deep down I don't think I really am.  If I saw everything as negative and no hope, I would have really given up long ago.  I guess there is at least a small part of me that must have some hope of things getting better, me being happy.  I know people blame how they are as an adult on their childhood experiences all the time.  Or course, this is at least partially true, all of our experiences shape who we are. Plus I think we (people) are more impressionable at earlier ages.  But...I am not trying to use that as any excuse for my behavior, thoughts, feelings etc... as much as just an explanation to those that may not know or understand.  Somewhere along the way I have I put the judgement, opinions, feelings, wants, etc... of others above my own... even when it pertains to something that may affect only me and not them. I don't know why...I think partially just because I have always wanted to try to please others, to have or get their approval. Also it has always been hard for me to accept compliments or encouragement.  For some reason I see it either as just an attempt to be nice or offered more sarcastically than anything else. Again, I have no idea where this comes from other than childhood experiences.  I never was popular, of course I know many children are not.  But I seemed to be an easy target for teasing. The saying, "Kids can be cruel." is very true.  For whatever reason, I would also take this teasing to heart and felt/thought they really meant it and felt that way.  If you constantly are told something, even if not true, it will become what you believe.  As I've got older there is a part of me that "knows" somethings I used to think are not true, but at the same time it can be hard to just change your feelings/thoughts, at least it seems so for me.   Anyway...I could go on and on and on and on about this, but I guess I'll stop for now.

But...with all that said, that is one reason I've always been a little apprehensive about the surgery, in that, it can't really change any of the above.  I just hope it can at least be a tool to help me better deal with some of it on my own.  Although, a significant other wouldn't hurt my feelings either lol  There are lots of things I guess that have kept me from being in many relationships. Before my marriage I hadn't really been in any serious relationships.  Even with my ex we only dated 3 months before getting married.  I never really had a girlfriend in school.  Just too shy to ask and to risk getting hurt mainly.  Since being divorced (14 years now for those that don't know) I've been in one maybe one serious relationship (within 6 months of getting divorced, I got scared...) and maybe steadily dated 2-3 ladies.  At the end of the day, you have not only sell yourself, (which is hard enough for me) I guess you have to make yourself appear better than the next guy.  That later part can be hard for a guy that only lacks an abundance of self-esteem, but even more so for one that in general doesn't see himself as better than others. I mean more or less if you are saying you're better than someone you're putting yourself above them and as someone that has others placed above them by various means, I know how that feels, and it's not good.  Now as with everything, this is not how it is or how I feel 100% of the time. But I guess in general I would rather show my attributes and let them stand on their own that try to say/prove I'm better than someone else.  Then add I just don't understand women lol, and that is why I guess I've not been in many serious relationships or even many non-serious ones.

Ok, this turned into something that wasn't the plan.  There is plenty more I can say on all of it.  Feel free to comment or message me if you want to know more.  Or if you think now you know too much, you can say that as well...LOL

Be well,
Steve

Along for the Ride

Hello all,

Guess the title comes from the feeling that I am just "along for the ride" on everything in the upcoming weeks. Work, the surgery and so on and so on.  Been a long time, if ever, since I've felt in control of my life.  Yes, I know "I" am the one in control, but it does not feel like that.  Somewhere along the way I decided to let others be in control and just go along with whatever.  I have got much better over the years, but still a long ways to go.  Kind of like -18ºF is "warmer" than -50ºF, but it is still a long ways from being warm.

I feel like I understand the diet after surgery a bit better, but still hope to talk with someone who can explain things a bit better to me.  Apparently there are two kinds of protein drinks.  Some sort of clear liquid protein that will be used in Stage 1 (first two weeks after surgery) then a protein powder to make protein shakes in Stage 2 (after Stage 1 for two weeks).  Now I've heard some say the continued the protein from Stage 1 in Stage 2 instead of the shake. Which at the time didn't make much sense to be honest, but does a bit better now.  Also from what I can tell many stay on the shakes after Stage 2.  I don't know if this is because it is an easier way to get their protein instead of a soft food, if it is because it is fewer calories if they have eaten something with several calories for an earlier meal or for what reason.

Speaking of rides, I did get out and ride the motorcycle yesterday.  First time in a LONG time.  Yes, it's been cold and rainy, but I usually have been able to find a day or two each month to ride, but to be honest I just didn't have any interest for a while.  I have to say I have a great bike (2004 Honda VTX1300C), I am bad about not doing a lot of regular maintenance (other than oil change, air filter and the like) and it has never let me down.  Even after all this neglect the last few weeks it fired right up.  The tires did need a little air, but that was about it.  When I remember to start it, I use an app called Ramblr to track my rides and it allows me to share them.  So here is a link to my ride yesterday. http://rblr.co/A7se

Well....let's see what today brings

Steve

Surgery date is set

Well it's official.... My weight loss surgery will be on February 10th.  For those that don't remember I am having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (see here) Was a bit of hectic day yesterday getting in finalized.  My insurance changed a bit after the first of the year.  Mainly as far as this goes, it was the increase in my out-of-pocket maximum, so it was/is going to cost me a pretty good bit more than once thought. But I finally feel ok with what I've worked out on it all.  Also spent part of the day in the HR department at work getting paperwork I need to be off and how that will be covered on Short Term Disability and the Family Medical Leave Act.  But anyway...as it stands now there is set time frame.  I will be going in for some pre-op task on January 27th.

I'm still a bit nervous and even apprehensive about it all, but I am like that with just about any change in my life.  I am just keep reminding myself this should be a change for the better.  Still wish I has a bit more of a support group. but guess I'll deal somehow.  The facilitator and myself have been the only ones at the last two monthly meetings in Jackson.  I am going to try and go to one or two at least at the doctor's office in Nashville before the surgery.  Away from work I literally spend ~95% of my time alone.  This is not really a choice per se, but regardless, it is how things are.  Hopefully that will change after all this... at least that is what I'm hoping. I guess I have isolated myself a bit, but it wasn't without help and influence from others.

Finally redeemed the free oil change that I won back in October today. Other than them forgetting to fully close my hood and me discovering that at 70 mph on the interstate, it went well I reckon.  It is the cheapest place I know of now ($19.95), so guess I will go at least one more paid time and see how it goes.

Well not a lot else to tell at the moment I guess.

Later,
Steve
http://about.me/stevefall

Better?

Well a couple of weeks ago I decided to start acting better even though I didn't really feel better.  Perhaps it has helped some.  I really don't like being down and gloomy when I am, if you haven't experienced there really is no way I can explain it to you.  But mainly I just try to keep telling myself I can only deal with what's in front of me.  I need to quite worrying about things that may never come and/or that I can do nothing about.  Also I need to not dwell on the past.  Now....if I can do all that will be the trick.

I went and met with the surgeon who will do my weight loss surgery, assuming I have it. :) He answered all my questions, explained the procedure etc... and overall left me with a good feeling about everything.  They are pretty much ready to go as soon as I am.  I have a problem with my right arm from an old injury, seeing an orthopedist Monday, depending on what's wrong, what needs to be done and what he says, I will go from there on scheduling the weight loss surgery.

Esterline is a company that sub-leases part of the arsenal where I work, they make the flares you see jets use when trying to avoid missiles.  Part of the agreement they have with my employer, American Ordnance, is for us to provide Fire and EMS services to them.  Well....it has been announced that they will be closing their operations in Milan by October, possibly as early as June.  While this doesn't directly affect us at the Fire Dept, it does appear just to be another sign of the overall decline of things at the arsenal.  I would really be surprised if I am there come this time next year.

The weather has been COLD, but thankfully I haven't really had any problems because of it.  Apartment warm, no frozen pipes and no vehicle problems.  I even cranked the motorcycle the other day, first time in WEEKS. I was really surprised.  As far as I know, it is the original battery, which would make it 9-10 years old.  When I do have to get a new one, I'm going to try and get the same brand!

One reason I hadn't even cranked the bike is I just had much interest in riding or anything for that matter.  But listening to it after I cranked it really got me wanting to get on the road again.  I'm wanting to find some locking, hard saddlebags, but the ones I've found I like and can afford are always out-of-stock.  Also the bike needs cleaning REAL bad. I have to admit I've been bad on washing and polishing it.  It's really to the point now, I'd pay someone to clean it up good when it warms up.  Guess I'd just rather ride when I have the time. :)

I've always thought I would enjoy "The Walking Dead", but had to come in on the middle of shows like that.  Well AMC had a marathon of every show, in order from the beginning over the New Years holiday and I recorded them all.  So I've been binge watching to get caught up before new episodes start next month.  As I figured I do enjoy it.

Guess that is maybe enough for now.  Be well

Steve


http://about.me/stevefall

Empathy vs Sympathy

The below video and text is taken from: http://lifehacker.com/this-video-explains-the-difference-between-empathy-and-1487494909

This Video Explains the Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy

Empathy and sympathy are very different, and while neither of them are bad necessarily, empathy is about making an emotional connection with someone, while sympathy is—generally—about finding a silver lining. Both are important, but this animated short really puts a fine point on how they differ.

The key to being empathetic is to not judge the other person, or try to paint an unwanted or unhelpful silver lining around their problem, and to instead recognize what they're feeling. You're not trying to solve the problem for them—since often statements usually don't solve problems alone—the goal is to let them know you're there and that how they feel matters to you. Doing so, however, requires you be aware of your own emotions and fragilities, which can be hard for many people.

That said, there's a time for sympathy too. As long as it's not judgmental, trying to help someone find a silver lining or even a distraction from a pressing problem has its place as well. The real skill to be learned is when empathy is appropriate, and when sympathy is appropriate, and what message you send to the people in your lives with each. Hit the video above or the link below to see more.
http://www.fastcodesign.com/3023417/the-power-of-empathy-animated

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My Thoughts

While based on this video I have to admit I may not have fully understood the definition of Empathy and Sympathy, I have long know the difference.  Many times I have complained that I felt others were being "dismissive" of my problems when I expressed them, well guess as it turns out, they were showing "sympathy".  I never heard "at least...." as much as "It could be worse." which is about the same thing.  Although "It could be worse." at times has seemed like a challenge to karma to try and make things worse.  But as stated in the video, many times I'm not looking so much for someone to point out a "silver lining" as much as an understanding of how I actually feel.  Whether from your prospective it seems reasonable or not. I admit at times, even when what has bothering me may have passed or eased, it will still bother me that others never understood and that can then itself be something that bothers me.  I guess this could all make me sound needy and emotional wreck or so on, but regardless it is who I am I reckon. I have never forced anyone to be around me, so if you don't want to be, don't want to put up with me....then don't.

Anyway, not wanting to get preachy or anything....just found this article yesterday and really liked how explained the difference between Empathy and Sympathy and wanted to share it.

Take care,

Steve Fall

http://about.me/steverfall

Scared and Worried

As always lots of things on my mind, but guess this blog will be mainly (if not exclusively) about my weight loss surgery.  I got a call from Centennial today, my insurance has approved my surgery.  They transferred me to the surgeon's office and I have my consult with him set for Jan 8th.  But to be honest, last little bit I've been scared about having the surgery. I've been reading the book the dietitian gave me and I'm worried about the diet.  Not so much that I will want other foods, but making sure I buy the right stuff, that I will make some sort of mistake. Right up until the call today, I had almost talked myself out of it.  Even kind of hoping that maybe it would be denied.  Of course the alternative would be for things to remain as they are, and that isn't good either.  I weighed myself at the hospital a week or so ago and I had gained 15 pounds or so above what had been my max weight for a couple of years.  Guess I just feel alone in this, I have some friends and family, but other than my 17 year old son, no one in the house with me.  It just seems like such ominous task ahead and I worry if I am up to it. I guess there is no particular rush, the approval is good for at least 3 months I think, I'm still feeling a bit rushed though.  The surgeon's office said for me to bring my schedule with me and we could more than likely go ahead and schedule the surgery.  I know many people are probably in a hurry to get it done as soon as they can and I guess a couple of weeks ago, maybe I was too.  I guess at maybe its simplest point....it's a change and I've always been a bit scared of change, especially if facing it alone.  There is a support group in Jackson, but when I went earlier this month, the only other person there besides me was the group leader.  We had a good talk and he was very informative and helpful, but it doesn't help relieve my dealing-with-it-alone feeling.  I'm hoping that maybe some others will be at the next meeting.

I feel so tired all the time... Yes, some physically and yes a lot of that from my weight, but mainly emotionally and mentally as well. Started to type something a couple of times and just backspaced it away....just don't feel like talking about any of it now.

Be well
Steve
http://about.me/stevefall

Another post no one will read

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while, but the title pretty much tells why.  Although I guess at some point I did say these were more for me and for some type of record of my thoughts.  Many people I know don't need much human interaction or feedback, guess I do.  As any who have know me know, never have had a lot of self-confidence.  Used to be pretty lacking in self-esteem too, but that has got better at least. You would think the two would be fairly intertwined, but apparently not in my case.

Not a lot going on really, or rather not that much different has happened.  Seems to always be a lot going on in my mind. Guess will try to hit on a few topics, they will not be in any particular order.

I'm looking at having weight loss surgery at Centennial Hospital in Nashville. http://www.cmcwls.com/ Right now I am looking at the Gastric Sleeve and Gastric By-Pass, leaning more toward the sleeve right now.I have done all the stuff necessary to present my case to the insurance which was done last Thursday.  They have 30 days to respond although Centennial said it is usually sooner. Apparently it varies from insurance to insurance but the approval can be good anywhere from 30 days to a year, but they should give the time limit with the approval.  It's not that I want to put it off, but didn't want to feel like I had to get it all done within a couple of weeks either. This has been a journey over several years.  I looked at the surgery a few years ago.  Then it was more for vanity sake than anything else.  I hadn't really tried to loose weight on my own, and saw it as some kinda "magic pill".  After the seminar I went to, pretty much decided the time wasn't right.  I tried to loose weight on my own between the end of 2011-2012, I did loose nearly 40lbs.  But after a relationship that went sour and a few other things, just had a bunch of "don't give a fuck" in me and started adding the weight back pretty quick.  Now it is all about health and if I look a bit better, that is good as well.  It has got to where it is just plain old difficult to get around.  Hurt a lot, get out of breath easy and that just has got to change.  I know I will miss eating some foods and some of the social aspects that go with eating, but I am hoping that what I can do in return and how I will feel afterwards will more than make up for that.  Who knows, I may create a separate weight-loss blog for others to read.

Money always a concern, even though have had a pretty fair amount of overtime lately.  Of course never have enough around Christmas it seems.  Plus worried about the cost of the surgery and then the supplements will have to be on after. Car insurance going up, from Matt's wreck in August I assume.  Going up about $75 a month...pretty good jump.  I got one other quote so far it was almost exactly the same, so imagine I am stuck with that for at least the next 6 months anyway.  My truck will be paid off in June or July, but probably going to have to rework the terms of the loan to be able to pay for the surgery.  Going to speak to the bank later today and see what they think. Always have been treated good at Decatur County Bank, took a lot time, effort and discipline to build my credit back up from what was done to it during my marriage.  Oh, have Matt's senior "stuff" and class ring to pay for as well. Plus insurance at work going up.  Everything going up but my pay.

Speaking of work.... last month David (our Fire Chief) came back from a meeting at the administration building and told us he had been let go! Just out of the blue like that.  They put us (the FD) under the Security Chief.  There were also 6 others let go.  Long story short, the place has been dying for a while now, but this was still sort of a shock and felt like a "close call".  I used to have a bit of hope that after a long enough lull, giving the time time to do what ever restructuring they may do (if any) things would pick up, but in all  honesty now, I think it's just a matter of time before the Milan Army Ammunition Plant closes for good. So keeping an eye out for another job, but know it will be hard to find one close to current pay. Also the sad thing is, not really looking for a job similar (Firefighter/EMT) to the one I've had for the last 13+ years.  Not really in good enough shape right now to do either and never really been too interested in working as an EMT in the "real world".  Been able to do it at the arsenal because in all honesty, even when production was going on, just not a lot going on out there for us to do as far as actually Firefighting or EMS calls.  A lot of the EMS stuff goes back to the lack of self-confidence mentioned above as well. Anyway, enough about all that.

In all honesty, my mental state has not been the best over the last few weeks either. Don't guess I will go into great detail (even though again, you, assuming this is not me re-reading it, may be the only person to read this) on hear.  One trouble is not feeling like have anyone to talk to.  Well that is not 100% correct, there are friends and family that will listen, but I'm afraid some may over react and others may have empathy, but that's about it.  I know there are "professionals" but based on experience just don't have a lot of confidence in them, plus just another expense.  The ones that might could actually help cost much more than I can afford and aren't around these parts.  I'm not sure how, but need to completely change the way I think, the way I process somethings.   It's not so much that I don't know what's wrong and even have a fair idea of what needs to be accomplished, just have no clue how to get there.  Kinda like, well not sure what it is like.  Maybe like being on a deserted island and knowing I need to get off, maybe knowing I need to build a boat, but have no clue how.  Then lack of self-confidence kicks in and maybe it's not a boat that I need to build anyway or do I need to build a signal fire first, then work on the boat or just make the best of the situation and wait to be rescued. But, does anyone even know I need rescuing?! Anyway, maybe you get the idea,if not, don't worry, not sure I really do either.

Well guess that is a hell-of-a-note to end it on, but think I'm about done "sharing" today.  My dad hated that word in this type context lol, long story for another time maybe. Really miss him, wish he could have been around longer.

Take care...

Steve Fall
http://about.me/stevefall

My weekend

Well as I said in my previous post, I took this Saturday (yesterday) off.  I had wanted to get and do something this weekend.  Something being just about anything other than sitting at home, so in that sense I guess I did.  Friday night a little before 7:00, later start than I had intended I got out and drove through town...just seemed dead to me, which is normal around here actually.  I drove toward the river and passed a couple of the local bars along the way, didn't really seem like much going on their either, especially the one I've been to before and would be most likely to go to again.  But really I'm just not much of a bar person... I know the drinks are more expensive because you are paying for the atmosphere etc... but also I said in my previous post, I usually end up sitting there alone, observing instead of participating.  So I figure I can do that at home for a lot cheaper...lol I know I need to get involved, but that's another blog (although also partially addressed in my previous blog).  So anyway, I drove on past and ended up at a place known locally as "Pearl Harbor" or at least that is what we called it when I was a teenager.  I is just a boat ramp with a large parking area on the Beech River close to where it empties into the Tennessee River. I backed into a spot with the truck facing the fool moon, over the river.  I rolled down all the windows and reclined the seat back a bit and just relaxed and enjoyed the quite.  It reminded me younger days, getting out with friends, sitting by the river etc...  Stayed for about an hour, which was about as long as it took me to smoke my cigar lol and then headed back home.  It was cool, but not too bad.

Ok, now it's Satruday, after a couple of great college games (TN and Vandy winning) I'm going to actually do something today....well....again didn't really turn out like that.  Another run through town and pass toward the river, about the same observation as the previous night.  However tonight I head back toward town trying to think of something, but really wasn't coming up with anything.  Well sitting by the river worked last night, maybe it can again tonight.  But I wanted a different spot and maybe some refreshment this time.  So stopped and grabbed a six-pack and headed to Broadies Landing. Another boat ramp on the Tennessee River although there is an area south of the ramp that is more open. There is also a road just before the river that goes to the north that has a a couple of parking areas off it, but chose not to go that way.  Full moon again and fog already on the river made it just a tad eerie lol. There was a group down the other road I talked about, heard them hollering etc... and could see the headlights of their vehicle, was actually a bit of entertainment to some degree lol.  Was quite a bit cooler than the night before, but still enjoyed it.  Was chatting with a friend on Facebook, so wasn't totally alone I guess :) Fog kept getting thicker over the night. A barge passed going up river, heard it for a long time before I could see it.  Again with the fog was creepy, but not in a bad way lol.

I know I've left a few things out probably, hopefully it all still makes sense.  Hope you have a great up coming week.

Steve
http://about.me/stevefall

Hello Again

So, guess I took a bit of a break huh?  Sorry about that, it really wasn't like I didn't have anything to say. Maybe it was that I had too much to say or too much going on.  If there was some way to transfer what was on my mind without my having to sit and actually type it, I would probably clog the internet with blogs and you'd probably run scared lol. I think one thing I may try to do is post several smaller blogs.  For some reason I had in my mind that a blog should almost be a short book, but that really isn't the case, is it?  So that was the trouble, I'd wait until I had a lot to tell, but then I wouldn't feel like typing it all out. I can have OCD about some things, like if I'm going to you about Story A, I want to tell you as many details as I'm comfortable with and not leave anything out.  Also it doesn't seem I get as much feedback on my blogs I do on Facebook post or even when I would do a Facebook note.  Of course feedback is not necessary, at the end of the day these blogs are more for me to just speak my mind etc also I guess for the their to be some sort of record...lol Need something to base the movie on, right?

So, even though I've been through a few things since my last blog, my current condition is still pretty much the same as last time. I did "date" a gal for a short time, believe it or not she was one that wanted move a little faster than I was comfortable with. It's just I've learned the hard way if you try to change too much, too soon it can end bad.  Have a had a couple of nice motorcycle rides, even one with company on the back! :), but most of my riding been back and forth to work.  But that's ok, it's about an hour ride, I really enjoy it and it helps me save on gas.

For those that remember my blog about my schedule, I'm on Week 2 (if not "A little about my work" blog) but I have taken this Saturday off. Yesterday I was pretty lazy, but that's ok, I think everyone is entitled to a day like that occasionally.  Need to do a few things today, which hopefully as soon as I'm done with this blog I will get started on...lol After that I do plan/want to do "something" either tonight or tomorrow night.  One idea is a steak dinner in Jackson another may be to try to find a place with some live music.  I just don't really know, I have become somewhat of a homebody, which in some ways is ok... I mean I don't feel I "have" go out all the time to have fun or enjoy life.  I guess by go out I sort of mean "party" and not just leaving the house.  But at the same time that doesn't mean I want to sit home all the time either.  My biggest trouble is it can be hard for me to engage others, so when I do go out, I end up sitting where ever I'm at quietly and alone, then I think I could do this at home and save a lot of money lol.  Now I know some are thinking, well just talk to someone!!! lol and I agree it is that easy in theory, but it isn't that easy for me.  I watched a show once with a guy that had a coach right there with him trying to get him to talk to strangers and it was still hard for him even with the guy pushing him.  As I was typing this I got reminded of a organized bike ride I went on a few years ago. It ended up Fat Daddy's there were several people there I knew, but other than making a bit of small talk with the person next to me I was pretty much just an observer.  Well one gal at table with one person I knew, saw me and just came over and grabbed me and brought me back to the table where the group was.....I had a blast the rest of the day, joking, laughing, talking etc... but had she not come got me I'd probably left a lot earlier never really talking with anyone.  Not sure what the purpose of all that was, but figured I'd share it anyway lol

Ok, guess that is enough for now, going to try and get somethings done and hopefully it won't be too long before I'm sharing more than you want to know about me again :)

Take care,
Steve Fall
http://about.me/stevefall

A little about my Work

Ok lots of my post will mention my work, one thing that will help to make some things more clear is knowing how and where I work lol

I work, for those that don't know or haven't read my profile... at the Milan Army Ammunition Plant (MLAAP), on the Fire/EMS dept. This website http://www.milancommercialcomplex.com/ , it is more for marketing to other companies to sub-lease operating space, but gives some good info about the plant in general and some good aerial pictures. As you may read, the plant complex is over 22,000 acres, so you could compare the place to small county. Each operating line is like it's own factory complex in said county. The contract to operate the facility requires there to be an onsite 24/7 Fire/EMS dept.

 

Everyone on the Fire/EMS dept is at least an EMT and there is at least one Paramedic per shit.  We have a Class A rated EMS service. We are only responsible for call on the plant, so it is not quite as busy or "glamorous" lol as other departments might be. However of those currently employed all but one has worked in EMS and/or Fire Services before coming here, so most of us have "been there" before.  We are mainly about fire prevention and safety rather than putting one out, although we can do that too.  We regularly inspect the fire suppression systems and alarm system around the plant, make safety inspections as it related to fire safety. We also do annual prescribed burning to clear certain foilage areas.  I have joked that I've started more fires there than I've put out...lol

Below is a sample of my schedule:

It may seem "weird" but it is actually pretty good after you get used to it. Would be hard for me to go back to a 8-hour day, 5-day work week now. One good thing you may notice is we get 5 days off every 3rd weekend. We have to have a minimum number of people on duty, so when one person takes off, someone else has to cover that slot. When you here me speak of working an extra shift, depending on when it is, it could mean I've worked a triple (72  hours straight), but at the same time, it's not like I've been "making little ones out of big ones" the whole time. The longest stretch I've ever worked was 7 days (-8 hours), from Fri on week 2 thru Thu on week 3. I was of the 3p-11p the 3rd week Wed, but worked the 7a-3 and the 11p-7a Although that was a good check, made was glad to be home!!! That was done at time my children weren't staying with me, otherwise probably wouldn't have been gone that long. But now it is only my youngest, who is 17, staying with me now.

 

So that's it in a small nutshell, not as detailed as I could be, but maybe more than some wanted anyway lol

 

Take care,

Steve Fall

http://about.me/stevefall

 



Sunday afternoon with my son.

This afternoon had a hankering to play Guitar Hero on the Wii for some reason lol.  Got my son to help me get it set up and asked if he wanted to play too.  Set up a playlist of about 8 songs and played.  I stayed pretty close to him, of course didn't hurt that he was playing on expert and me on beginner LOL.

I then asked him if we wanted to get out of the house for a bit.  I had been thinking about it, wasn't sure if I wanted to get out on bike or in the truck, but did want to just get out.  He said he wanted to go, so we loaded up in the truck and headed out.  First stop was the Underwater Bridge in Perry Co. (35.68646, -87.98668) Those from the area know where and what it is, but for others, it basically just a place were the creek passes over the roadway. After we got there just set and enjoyed nature a bit. Matt skipped a few rocks. A couple of more vehicles also crossed while we were there.

(More pics at http://tinyurl.com/m5d2e4c )

After we left the underwater bridge I showed him were Lady's Bluff (a.k.a. Lady Finger's Bluff) (35.68825, -88.01304) Info at http://tinyurl.com/l3xtdoe We didn't stop but drove on down to the end of the road where the creek empties into the river.  Hopefully someday soon when we have more time and I am in better shape he and I can come back and walk the trail.

 

We then took some back roads of Decatur Co, Fire Tower Rd to Mouse Tail Rd and then down to the Bussektown National Wildlife Refuge, which is directly across the river from Lady's Bluff. We took Bunches Chapel Rd back and cut across on Odos Graves Rd to Walter Garret Rd, back to the highway and then home.

 

Had a good time, think he enjoyed getting out learning some new places and I learned that maybe he isn't totally fed up with his old man yet. :)

 

 

Why?

Well how the hell things been going with you?  Not so great for me, it's taken me a bit to calm down and gather myself enough to try and type a blog, I may not remember all that's happened.... and that may not be all bad.

Got the truck in the shop last Monday (8/5/13) and was given a rental car, a LITTLE rental car lol. 2012 Chevy Sonic (pic below) it really wasn't a bad car, just took figuring a few things out.  But with a 25 mile a day limit, didn't really drive very much anyway. I let Matt drive it one night to pick up friend, but after I thought about it, didn't any more.  Not so much because don't trust him as much as he simply just wasn't on the rental agreement.  Already wondering how going to come up with deductible for truck, no way could pay for a whole repair out of pocket.  On the not of deductibles, I remember a time where the shop could kinda "help you out" with the deductible and maybe you wouldn't have to pay all of it (or any of it) but I guess those days are over with everyone having access to the same info and such. I guess that may be why you  don't have to get 2-3 estimates anymore, the insurance company pretty much knows the shop can't over charge them.

2012 Chevy Sonic

 

Work is pretty much work.  Overall still a good place to be, but there are certain things that are just crappy.  But complaining is almost like bitching didn't get chocolate syrup on ice cream, while knowing others didn't even get supper. But at the same time, if you were promised syrup or lead to believe there would be syrup, you do kind of want it.....right?

 

My youngest son has ADD (Not same as ADHD, except he isn't hyperactive) he is on medication for this. Ok to back track a bit, he had problems early in school, I thought it might be ADHD or the like, but at that time that diagnosis was easily given and meds quickly prescribed and I didn't want that unless he needed it. However they came a point something had to be done, so went through all the motions, he stated meds and thing were TREMENDOUSLY better. So kick myself in the butt for not doing it sooner.  Since then doctors keep a check on him, I keep check with teachers at school and so on, so things, as far as that part goes, are good.  The trouble is, I didn't know the med he is on was worth its weight in gold on the street.  Growing up I never had to deal with such things or even as an adult and he was younger it wasn't a real issue.  But as he got older apparently certain "friends" knew this.  Like a FB post I made, that maybe you saw, when I was young my father taught me quick not to mess with other people's stuff. I would also have to say that apparently most of my friends' fathers had done the same. But I guess now a so-called friend will take your shit right out from under your nose. Because after a week of having a new prescription, he now has NONE. Now that is not to say my son is totally blameless, I still haven't figured out why his "friends" knew he was on medication, what it was or where it was.  Also with out getting into it, there had been other issues in the past that he was directly more responsible for. Because of that no real reason to call the law and it would be a he said, he said thing anyway, I have no proof other than access. Even if I could get Dr to write new script, no way I could pay for it out of pocket, so guess this will just be a long month for him.

 

When dropped my truck off at shop, they said should be about 4 days to fix...so Friday evening or maybe Saturday,  I was looking for a call....that never came. Sunday at a belated swimming birthday part for my grandson they called and said it was done, had meant to call Saturday and just got busy and forgot.  But anyway, say I will come in first thing Monday morning to pick it up. I drive it to work Tuesday, notice it is pulling to the right....and something neither the shop or I noticed the first time a dent on underside of driver's door.  Think the dent came from nerf bad getting kicked up into it, the bar was loose after the accident. Just in a hard place to see and not on impact side...so oh well.  Go back to the shop when I got off Wed afternoon.  Alignment is correct the say, had swapped tires and pulled to left with tires switched, so problem with tire...so there you are, I guess. I know I need a new set, but just another expense can' t handle at the moment.  But they are going to fix dent. Bad thing is I'm without a vehicle again for a couple of days, no rental this time. I guess could have done that,  but I was just too tired and  upset to mess with it.  Not I like I really need to go anywhere or would anyway I guess.

 

Seems like a few other things that have been pissing in my cheerios, but not recalling them at the moment.   To continue on that idiom most of the things that have been going on would be just a small amount of piss in my cheerios, probably not even enough to notice, but when you have several things taking a whiz, it adds up.  LOL....I really like how I explained that.  Sometimes I think life is like that in general, people always pissing in your cheerios, it's just how many you have doing it, how much they do it and how fast you can eat them to try and stay ahead of the taste.

 

Ok, think I'll end on that semi-high note lol Be well and thank you for your time.

 

Steve Fall

http://about.me/stevefall

Well, well, well



So what's new with you? I think I have finally set the comments up where maybe more people can comment on my post now if they choose to.  I have worked 32 hours OT this week.  Glad to have it and really need the money, but it has made for a long week.  Especially considering this was the week for school registration. Even though my youngest son only went to another school for half a semester last year, he still had to transfer back to school here, which was a bit more paperwork than normal.  But hopefully that is all taken care of and he starts his first day of his senior year tomorrow. Hard to believe I am old enough where my youngest is a senior and will be 18 in a few months. Of course a good thing from that I guess is a bit more of being to maybe think more about me, which is good and bad.  I will also have my truck paid off about that same time, so that will be nice also.

Speaking of my son and my truck...he had a little accident in it yesterday.  Thankfully he or no one else was hurt and there isn't "too" much damage (pic below). Apparently as another vehicle came around a curve it was over the center and caused him to take the ditch to miss it. I am/wasn't too upset considering some of the accidents I had when I was young.  I was at work and had taken my motorcycle, I almost always ride my bike when I can anyway, saves so much on fuel, but I have also let him use my truck some just so he wouldn't be "trapped" at home.  However I think he had got a little to used to it being at his disposable and maybe using it a bit more than I intended originally.  So maybe this has been a bit of lesson for both of us....just hope it isn't too expensive of a one. Will run it by the shop tomorrow, see what they have to say and go from there.

 

There is a bit more that you can't see, quarter panel does not match up with hood and door like it's supposed to. Also, probably out of alignment as well.



 

Overall everything else still pretty much the same I reckon. Part my fault, part my circumstance, part the universe's fault and I'm sure a few other things... I just seem to be stuck in the same old same old routine. I mean as above there are hiccups thrown in, but I am speaking more of my social situation (or lack there of) than anything else.

 

Guess that is enough for now, peace out....



Not dead

 

Well as some may have noticed but I'm sure more haven't, I haven't had much to say lately. Although that is not entirely accurate.  I have had plenty to say or plenty on my mind, just no real desire to write it down. Most of the time it seems people think you are just looking for sympathy etc... if you complain about things or mention struggles in your life.  That is not always the case, most of the time I talk about such things I am hoping it will help others understand why I say or do certain things, why I'm feeling a certain way. We all deal with things differently, we've had different experiences, coping mechanisms, support and so on.

I'm an over-thinker, always have been and it's appearing always will be. Every-now-and-then it is actually a good thing, but most of the time it can overwhelm me in many situations. One thing that makes it difficult is when you only have yourself to discuss things with.  I find myself going in circles at times.

Guess I'm going to go for now, just thought I'd post some little something.

Numb

Well I'm not dead lol Just not much to say I guess. Which doesn't mean there isn't a lot on my mind, just as usual don't even know where to start as far as telling it. Still having really weird dreams. Still letting things get to me that shouldn't. Still thinking too much. I have noticed I seem to be isolating myself some. Although I did get out of the house for a while Friday morning after getting home after work. Also went to the Jackson Generals game that night. As I said its really hard to explain. 

Anyway was just thought I'd check in. 

Wednesday 07/10/13

Good morning,

     Went to the urologist this morning and things are still improving and looking good, so that is some good news.  Since this appointment was locally at the hospital instead of his office in Jackson ran into several people I know, so that was kind of nice.

     Got out for a little motorcycle ride yesterday afternoon, mainly just to get out of the house.  I feel like I spending too much time just sitting here and I guess waiting for something to happen. It's so weird, I was joking around, kidding and cutting up with just about everyone at the hospital from friends, to the medical staff to the janitorial staff, but I still feel socially awkward at times. One problem I know is over analyzing or over thinking things too much.  At the hospital didn't really  have time to do that, so it was better.  Anyway... If you would like to see the details of my ride check here http://www.ramblr.com/web/mymap/trip/SteveFall/11113/

     I don't really want to go into details, but another thing that has been weighing on me a bit is some dealings with my ex-wife and out youngest son. He lives with me but had stayed a little while with her and left under no so good circumstances.  Well when he went back to get the rest of his belongings there was some misunderstanding on whether a couple of items had been given to him to have or to borrow and it blew up into another situation.  I think it's all said and down now, but it was really just an unnecessary headache and hassle.

     I have been off work since July 3 afternoon, I go back tonight and work till Fri morning and will be off for 5 days again.  I will explain my schedule for those that may not know it at some later point.  I think it has helped to be away some.  It's not a bad place at all to work and I get along with most everyone, but I guess we can all use a little time away every-now-and-then.

Take care,

Steve Fall

http://about.me/stevefall