Ok, so I haven't posted in a while, but the title pretty much tells why. Although I guess at some point I did say these were more for me and for some type of record of my thoughts. Many people I know don't need much human interaction or feedback, guess I do. As any who have know me know, never have had a lot of self-confidence. Used to be pretty lacking in self-esteem too, but that has got better at least. You would think the two would be fairly intertwined, but apparently not in my case.
Not a lot going on really, or rather not that much different has happened. Seems to always be a lot going on in my mind. Guess will try to hit on a few topics, they will not be in any particular order.
I'm looking at having weight loss surgery at Centennial Hospital in Nashville. http://www.cmcwls.com/ Right now I am looking at the Gastric Sleeve and Gastric By-Pass, leaning more toward the sleeve right now.I have done all the stuff necessary to present my case to the insurance which was done last Thursday. They have 30 days to respond although Centennial said it is usually sooner. Apparently it varies from insurance to insurance but the approval can be good anywhere from 30 days to a year, but they should give the time limit with the approval. It's not that I want to put it off, but didn't want to feel like I had to get it all done within a couple of weeks either. This has been a journey over several years. I looked at the surgery a few years ago. Then it was more for vanity sake than anything else. I hadn't really tried to loose weight on my own, and saw it as some kinda "magic pill". After the seminar I went to, pretty much decided the time wasn't right. I tried to loose weight on my own between the end of 2011-2012, I did loose nearly 40lbs. But after a relationship that went sour and a few other things, just had a bunch of "don't give a fuck" in me and started adding the weight back pretty quick. Now it is all about health and if I look a bit better, that is good as well. It has got to where it is just plain old difficult to get around. Hurt a lot, get out of breath easy and that just has got to change. I know I will miss eating some foods and some of the social aspects that go with eating, but I am hoping that what I can do in return and how I will feel afterwards will more than make up for that. Who knows, I may create a separate weight-loss blog for others to read.
Money always a concern, even though have had a pretty fair amount of overtime lately. Of course never have enough around Christmas it seems. Plus worried about the cost of the surgery and then the supplements will have to be on after. Car insurance going up, from Matt's wreck in August I assume. Going up about $75 a month...pretty good jump. I got one other quote so far it was almost exactly the same, so imagine I am stuck with that for at least the next 6 months anyway. My truck will be paid off in June or July, but probably going to have to rework the terms of the loan to be able to pay for the surgery. Going to speak to the bank later today and see what they think. Always have been treated good at Decatur County Bank, took a lot time, effort and discipline to build my credit back up from what was done to it during my marriage. Oh, have Matt's senior "stuff" and class ring to pay for as well. Plus insurance at work going up. Everything going up but my pay.
Speaking of work.... last month David (our Fire Chief) came back from a meeting at the administration building and told us he had been let go! Just out of the blue like that. They put us (the FD) under the Security Chief. There were also 6 others let go. Long story short, the place has been dying for a while now, but this was still sort of a shock and felt like a "close call". I used to have a bit of hope that after a long enough lull, giving the time time to do what ever restructuring they may do (if any) things would pick up, but in all honesty now, I think it's just a matter of time before the Milan Army Ammunition Plant closes for good. So keeping an eye out for another job, but know it will be hard to find one close to current pay. Also the sad thing is, not really looking for a job similar (Firefighter/EMT) to the one I've had for the last 13+ years. Not really in good enough shape right now to do either and never really been too interested in working as an EMT in the "real world". Been able to do it at the arsenal because in all honesty, even when production was going on, just not a lot going on out there for us to do as far as actually Firefighting or EMS calls. A lot of the EMS stuff goes back to the lack of self-confidence mentioned above as well. Anyway, enough about all that.
In all honesty, my mental state has not been the best over the last few weeks either. Don't guess I will go into great detail (even though again, you, assuming this is not me re-reading it, may be the only person to read this) on hear. One trouble is not feeling like have anyone to talk to. Well that is not 100% correct, there are friends and family that will listen, but I'm afraid some may over react and others may have empathy, but that's about it. I know there are "professionals" but based on experience just don't have a lot of confidence in them, plus just another expense. The ones that might could actually help cost much more than I can afford and aren't around these parts. I'm not sure how, but need to completely change the way I think, the way I process somethings. It's not so much that I don't know what's wrong and even have a fair idea of what needs to be accomplished, just have no clue how to get there. Kinda like, well not sure what it is like. Maybe like being on a deserted island and knowing I need to get off, maybe knowing I need to build a boat, but have no clue how. Then lack of self-confidence kicks in and maybe it's not a boat that I need to build anyway or do I need to build a signal fire first, then work on the boat or just make the best of the situation and wait to be rescued. But, does anyone even know I need rescuing?! Anyway, maybe you get the idea,if not, don't worry, not sure I really do either.
Well guess that is a hell-of-a-note to end it on, but think I'm about done "sharing" today. My dad hated that word in this type context lol, long story for another time maybe. Really miss him, wish he could have been around longer.
Take care...
Steve Fall
http://about.me/stevefall
i read them all
ReplyDeleteThanks Victoria
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