Well spent a lot of the time on the phone yesterday and Thursday answering pre-admission questions for my surgery on the 10th and for some pre-op test I'm having done Monday. Also started a Short Term Disability (usually abbreviated STD, but that also stand for something else...lol) claim since I will be off work 3-6 weeks. Also went to the bank Thursday to get the money to pay for the surgery and some other things I will need for after. So....guess I'm kinda on the downhill side. At least as far as having the surgery goes. I know after the surgery will be the real challenge. I just keep telling myself the rewards will be worth it. Of course I am hoping for much more than just weight loss, of course better health and more energy, but also mean getting out more and just generally more happy. Most everyone has told me (those that have had weight loss surgery and others) that things should happen, but I've never been one to anticipate the best....lol That too is something that would be nice for a change.
I know I seem like a very negative person, but...and this hard to explain, deep down I don't think I really am. If I saw everything as negative and no hope, I would have really given up long ago. I guess there is at least a small part of me that must have some hope of things getting better, me being happy. I know people blame how they are as an adult on their childhood experiences all the time. Or course, this is at least partially true, all of our experiences shape who we are. Plus I think we (people) are more impressionable at earlier ages. But...I am not trying to use that as any excuse for my behavior, thoughts, feelings etc... as much as just an explanation to those that may not know or understand. Somewhere along the way I have I put the judgement, opinions, feelings, wants, etc... of others above my own... even when it pertains to something that may affect only me and not them. I don't know why...I think partially just because I have always wanted to try to please others, to have or get their approval. Also it has always been hard for me to accept compliments or encouragement. For some reason I see it either as just an attempt to be nice or offered more sarcastically than anything else. Again, I have no idea where this comes from other than childhood experiences. I never was popular, of course I know many children are not. But I seemed to be an easy target for teasing. The saying, "Kids can be cruel." is very true. For whatever reason, I would also take this teasing to heart and felt/thought they really meant it and felt that way. If you constantly are told something, even if not true, it will become what you believe. As I've got older there is a part of me that "knows" somethings I used to think are not true, but at the same time it can be hard to just change your feelings/thoughts, at least it seems so for me. Anyway...I could go on and on and on and on about this, but I guess I'll stop for now.
But...with all that said, that is one reason I've always been a little apprehensive about the surgery, in that, it can't really change any of the above. I just hope it can at least be a tool to help me better deal with some of it on my own. Although, a significant other wouldn't hurt my feelings either lol There are lots of things I guess that have kept me from being in many relationships. Before my marriage I hadn't really been in any serious relationships. Even with my ex we only dated 3 months before getting married. I never really had a girlfriend in school. Just too shy to ask and to risk getting hurt mainly. Since being divorced (14 years now for those that don't know) I've been in one maybe one serious relationship (within 6 months of getting divorced, I got scared...) and maybe steadily dated 2-3 ladies. At the end of the day, you have not only sell yourself, (which is hard enough for me) I guess you have to make yourself appear better than the next guy. That later part can be hard for a guy that only lacks an abundance of self-esteem, but even more so for one that in general doesn't see himself as better than others. I mean more or less if you are saying you're better than someone you're putting yourself above them and as someone that has others placed above them by various means, I know how that feels, and it's not good. Now as with everything, this is not how it is or how I feel 100% of the time. But I guess in general I would rather show my attributes and let them stand on their own that try to say/prove I'm better than someone else. Then add I just don't understand women lol, and that is why I guess I've not been in many serious relationships or even many non-serious ones.
Ok, this turned into something that wasn't the plan. There is plenty more I can say on all of it. Feel free to comment or message me if you want to know more. Or if you think now you know too much, you can say that as well...LOL
Be well,
Steve
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